"We are always getting ready to live but never living." - Ralph Waldo Emerson.
So I skipped out on my Behavioral Research class today. Well, I just decided I didn't need to go to the second half which encompassed going to a 'lab' with computers and doing a little research in it. As I bumped some good old sludge metal, namely Rwake, I couldn't shake the feeling that I felt ashamed of not participating in the second half of today's class.
I began thinking that I should just go to it just because its a class. But its just a fucking class, you know? Its nothing more. Its there for me to get something out of and if there is a session I know I don't need to attend, I don't have to go. And thus, I didn't. But the initial reaction, shame, hit me like it does so many other times with out me being conscious of it. WHich led me to this realization: we're all doing so many things and attach a deeper, intricate, symbolic meaning to them and what these things often symbolize is something about our future. In my case, the class indicated my ability to succeed in college which symbolizes my ability or the potential I have to enjoy life, which really just means my penis will feel good...or rather...I'll live a pleasureful life.
I now find that to be bullshit. We can beat ourselves til we're blue in the brain over all we've done just because it makes us think about a life that we don't want to live, and actually aren't, but they're just fucking thoughts. Nothing is so important that any person should feel so much displeasure that they hate being. But many people feel this. And its because not everyone is aware that they're simply anticipating the best or the worst.
I believe that this displeasure that I have about not having a girlfriend, or not fucking bitches, or not owning a big ass house, or not having my tuition paid for completely is just bullshit man. Any way you live your life, you'll suffer. I'm not saying pretend that suffrage doesn't exist. I'm saying acknowledge it and understand what you're doing. I guess this really just ties into what I view the purpose of life to be, which is for every person to decide on a purpose that simply avoids intentional harm to others.
Everything you don't succeed at doing reminds you of the possibility that you'll fail, but it doesn't necessarily make you fail. And thats because its just a thought. Some compilation of memories recapitulated to become something we view as likely to happen. And its all connected. We think being alone or being dumped means we'll from now on be lonely (another emotion based on reality exagerated by social norms) and only learn to be ok with this after enough time passes so we don't feel like shit. Some people experience this type of thing and simply can't take the idea because too much of some chemical is being leaked in their brain, so they kill themselves or try drastic changes that completely rearrange their life so that they can view themselves like someone else...someone who's not that guy or girl who just got dumped and wants to move on by running away from their insecurites and pessimism.
People lose their jobs or get yelled at by a boss and immediately become fearful about their income. As Idill said in this same blog, its best at that time to focus on what can be done to ensure their own financial security and overall well-being.
But the root of that realization is knowing that you're ok. You're always ok. We fear living, in truth. We act like everything will kill us. Of course not everyone feels like this, but I'm not fucking talkign to those people. I'm talking to the people that do worry madly about what will become of their life and really don't know if they'll be able to continue to live because they in truth just don't want to. I'm telling these people that this is just life. The beauty of it is that its just a process of things you do. So realize that you don't need anything other than yourself. You've got family, maybe, you've got friends, maybe, you've got work and other things, perhaps, but at the end of the day, its you and your own head you have to think with, so understand yourself and don't let people and unimportant institutes convince you that someday you won't be able to take care of yourself because you don't have a fucking education from W.G.A.S. (Who Gives A Shit) University.
I guess this turned out to be an anti-college rant. Well fuck it then.
But I'll leave it with this quote:
"Save your bucks and save yourself and just do something you love." - Doseone.
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