If one's greatest agent of disappointment is to be considered the cause of their radicalization, then I have been radicalized by women. In being told I'm too nice for them or that they're too whatever for me, I've ruminated the qualities about them I both love and despise. Typically what I've come away with is despair in rumination such as this. I think the first time this occurred was when a girl told me I was too nice - not for the first time - and I came to see her for all her optimism. I then dislodged all my anticipations for pure happiness, as I saw not only that she was hardly my type of women (because the optimism; therefore optimistic females would probably not be into me) but also because it just seemed like a fools errand to actually expect such perfection and glory of life.

THis was the time when I became resolutely pessimistic. I began developing justification for anticipating less in life. ANd i still do, primarily because of how disappointed I was at that time.

A few years pass and I meet someone else who I greatly anticipated to be a darling of sorts. Bullshit explanation, whatever. She came to say she wasn't good enough for me. It struck me as awfully reminiscent of the previous female who declared me inadequate in a roundabout way. What I came to understand as the result of this is that this generation has an infatuation with a few things: perfection, impulsivity, the anticipation of despair and hopelessness, and reaffirming its own worldview. These, of course, were the traits she embodied that I came to despise. I'm a prudent male. Hardly anything more. I cannot be so impatient and hopeless that I misconceive the intent and actions of another. I just can't. I'm too fucking fragile. Consequently, I do over-think, but most of the time I think enough to know what it is I'm doing and who I'm attracted to as well as why. And now as I read Dostoevsky's The Idiot, I find myself reminded of who I was in high school: the boy waiting for marriage, the nice guy, the shy guy. I was those things because of a christian ideal I applied my will to. ANd I am hardly any different now, but I see that it is not without purpose that I must remain this way, even if I do not believe in God anymore. THe suffering of the loneliest of the world is my main concern. One particular woman, and I beg you forgo all notions of determinism as I am simply speaking of possibilities, who I may end up with is suffering now in one way or another. SHe is without me and she is without love. As we males grow older, we are either bettered, or worsened. If I am to make her happy, I must continue to grow and become better. I absolutely must. ANd if leaving women, all of whom don't believe in the potential we share for love, alone helps sustain and mediate my desire for a woman who will appreciate me, then I cannot break, I cannot fall apart in an earnest plea for the whims of another woman.