I just realized this.

Well, I realized it a week or so ago...and typed it out on my phone...while watching the Conan O Brien show. Tried to provide some structure, but it still came out as a rant. Take it for what its worth.


Most realizations are the moment of previous thoughts being extrapolated. I've been aware for a while now that i have a perception of value...of worth of my self which is based on me measuring my a ability to do what we as a society appreciate. I've also realized that most people can do more than they'd ever do because they don't believe they can. Which isn't to say they cannot complete a task, but they view it as something they aren't capable of. And when I say more, i simply mean a larger amount of things, which should never be thought of as greater or better, its just more. Think of the saying 'a jack of all trades, but a master of none.' Many people can do many things but typically aren't good at one specific task. And if they are, they're too busy trying to be diverse to become enamored with any one skill. Frank Zappa is an exception, but his main skill was music composition. So i was watching Conan O Brien and realized how he has to be interested in every one that comes on the show whether the Jonas brothers or obama visit. He has to joke and ask realistic questions about their lives like it matters to him. Then i thought 'I couldn't do that.' And just then not being an extrovert, not being getting multiple women to want to fuck away my low self esteem, not being able to get any woman to give me a chance at loving them (though its been them who can't love me...which only proves my point more), or cant bet all a's and b's, or learn to play my guitar better than anyone who is black just didn't fucking matter. Though the list may be long, these and more tasks are all things that i cant do. Things that i have felt lonely because i was incapable of doing them. But it was always that simple. I can't do them. I. And thats it. Some other smooth talking confident man could probably fuck every girl i have ever worshiped, but I cant. And there's nothing wrong with that because there is a lot I can do and there are people that would appreciate what i have found unappreicable. But the feeling of confidence i feel now is far too abstract to depend on some one elses approval, its in knowing that I am different from other people and they can do what they do and ill do what i can do. I will admit it has taken me a while to find out what i can and can't do, but now that i know nothing is more important than i make it, i see no need to give a fuck if i cant do it. "The activity failed you, you didn't fail it." -from rocket science.

And as I wrote this the first time, I later dissected what I thought further. About having realizations. We often have realizations, but only later does it hit is with its validity in our lives. YOu can learn how to calculate area, but in math class, its just numbers put into a formula. When you go to a stadium and compare the area of that stadium to the area in your room, you'll see how much larger one is than the other. And because you put that idea to work in your own life, it makes sense.

I had figured the whole "I can't do this or that" thing before, but only when I wrote the first paragraph did I see how certain tasks I can't do were just things I can't do and not things I suck at. Perhaps the ambiguity of words is being overemphasized here, but it seems to me that a realization is just a thought unless it has an application into one's own life. We can all say the idea of fighting is bad, but we won't change unless we decide we're not going to throw a fist at he who offends us.